Never Mess With An Uchiha
by Darkfire75
Summary: ItachiDeidaraHidan. “You’re such a gothic Lolita, redeye,” Hidan sneered. “I had no idea.” Yes, I did go there XD Chapter 2 added!
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's note: **__Do you guys know how much fun writing these three is? So anyway, this little plot-bunny hopped into my head and I wrote it down yesterday. This has two chapters because it's just that awesome (not really XD). I don't know WHY I like to humiliate Itachi so much. He's just an easy target I guess. And I'm sorry of he's OOC. I try not to make him OOC as much as I can. The end of this chapter is kinda lame…but I couldn't think of anything witty to end it with. I wanted to write the next chapter :P So…I hope you enjoy. I'll post the next chapter as quickly as I can. _

_**Disclaimer: **__If I owned Naruto, the Akatsuki would be all one big orgy organization :) _

* * *

_Never Mess With An Uchiha_

* * *

"No."

"Pleeeeeease, Itachi?"

"No."

"C'mon red-eye, how can you resist that pout?"

Uchiha Itachi prided himself on his self-restraint. He never folded under pressure. But that was before Deidara had decided to pucker up his lips and get all sparkly-eyed. And Hidan wasn't helping. He was just encouraging Deidara with whatever the blonde wanted him to do.

"I'll never ask for anything from you again, un."

"Yes you will," he snarled.

"B-But—"

"No is no."

Deidara's lower lip quivered. Itachi wanted to roll his eyes. That never worked when Sasuke had done it and it wouldn't work now. He saw two tears fall down the blonde's cheeks. Deidara then turned towards Hidan and clung onto him. "Why is he being such a dickhead, un?!" he cried.

Hidan glared at Itachi as he comforted the other man. "I don't know, Dei-chan. He's just a heartless bastard. Can't even do one fucking favor…"

_That isn't going to work, Hidan,_ Itachi thought. _You will not get me to change my mind. _

"…Guess he's too much of a chicken…"

Itachi tensed up and narrowed his eyes at him. "I am not a chicken," he hissed.

"Seriously?" Hidan smirked. "Then why can't you do this one thing for Deidara?"

"Because what he's asking me to do is…degrading."

"Oh c'mon, you'll look fine."

"That's not the point."

Hidan raised an eyebrow. "Then what is the point, red-eye?"

Itachi glanced at Deidara, who was giving him the most pitiful puppy dog eyes he had ever seen, and sighed. "For me to…do this…you must promise me something, Deidara."

"Anything, un," the blonde smiled.

The Uchiha heaved an even heavier sigh and grabbed the bag on the floor that Deidara had shown him before. He took a peek at its contents and made a disgusted face. He then went into the bathroom and closed the door. Hidan poked Deidara's cheek. "He must really fucking love you to do something like this," he mumbled with a grin.

Deidara winked. "He wouldn't have done it otherwise."

They waited a few more minutes. "Hey red-eye, you done in there yet?!" Hidan called with a grin.

The door unlocked and Itachi stepped out. Hidan's jaw nearly hit the floor at what he was wearing. He was wearing a gothic Lolita outfit, complete with white lace and frills, blood red ribbons for the hair, which Itachi had put into pigtails. He'd adorned his face with the makeup in the bag. Surprisingly, he didn't look half-bad and it made Hidan wonder if Itachi had ever worn makeup before. The blush on the Uchiha's face was quite amusing.

Deidara's face broke into a wide grin. "You look great, Itachi, un!" he exclaimed. He walked closer and played with Itachi's pigtails. "You're so cute!"

"You're such a gothic Lolita, red-eye," Hidan sneered. "I had no idea." He came up behind the other man and put his hand under the dress. "Nice…you even bought him frilly panties, Dei-chan."

Itachi's face erupted an even darker shade of red. "Are you happy now, Deidara?" he growled.

"Yep."

"Then can I go change back?"

"Not yet, un."

"But—"

"I promised you'd get something in return and now you're gonna get it."

Itachi blinked his eyes a few times before realization dawned on him. "No. Absolutely not."

"But I've always wanted to have sex with a gothic Lolita, un," Deidara pouted.

"But I'm not really—"

"Humor him, red-eye," Hidan muttered in his ear. "Besides, I wouldn't mind trying you out myself."

"This is humiliating," Itachi grumbled. He sat down on his bed and frowned.

Deidara smiled and settled himself in his lap. He brushed one of the pigtails aside and kissed at the base of Itachi's neck. "Did you put perfume on too, Itachi, un?" he asked playfully. "You smell nice."

Itachi ignored him. He wanted to punch Hidan in the face. The religious bastard kept grinning at him. "The lipstick looks fucking _wonderful_ on you, red-eye, seriously," he sneered. "I'm curious to know how you even knew how to put it on."

Itachi averted his eyes and stared at the floor; though that was hard with Deidara kissing his neck. He'd never felt so humiliated in all his life. He was a shinobi, bred for battle and destruction; not a dress-up doll. Sure, he liked wearing nail polish, but he'd never once wanted to be dressed up as a gothic Lolita to satisfy Deidara's strange fetish.

"This is outfit is uncomfortable," he said suddenly.

"We can fix that," Hidan said huskily against his ear. The silver-haired man wrapped his arms around Itachi's waist and began unfastening the string holding the corset on. As he worked, he let his tongue drag along Itachi's collarbone. The Uchiha shivered at the contact. "I think you like this, red-eye."

"Would you—stop—calling me—that?" the other panted.

"What? Want me to call you…_Itachi_?" he purred. Itachi let out a very small moan.

Deidara smirked. "He likes it, un. Do it again, Hi-chan."

Hidan nodded and took Itachi's ear into his mouth while whispering sensually, "We're gonna fuck you nice and slow, _Itachi_."

The dark-haired man let out another moan, this time much louder. "Stop…stalling," he snarled.

"Oh? You little whore," Hidan laughed. He yanked on one of Itachi's pigtails to pull his face closer. He then kissed Itachi, running his tongue along the other's bottom lip. "I gotta say, Itachi…you're turning me on, seriously," he smirked.

Deidara giggled and pulled the other pigtail. He kissed Itachi much more gently, though with the same passion. "Can we have fun with our Itachi Lolita now, un?" he asked.

"There's no objections," Hidan stated. "Ready for some fun, Itachi?"

"_Yes_," he replied.

They lowered him onto the bed. Deidara had just finished untying the corset when there was a knock on the door. "Hey! Itachi-san!"

Hidan and Deidara exchanged looks. "Shit, it's Kisame!" Hidan whispered.

"What do we do?" Deidara asked urgently.

They looked down at Itachi, who seemed oblivious to their conversation. They shrugged and formed a few hand seals and they disappeared with a poof. Itachi blinked and sat up on the bed. "Deidara? Hidan?" he called.

The door opened suddenly and in stepped Kisame. "Geez, your eyes are bad enough, Itachi-san," the shark-nin said with a sigh. He went to turn on the lights. "Keeping the lights off only strains your eyes…more…_What the hell_?!"

Itachi imagined he must have looked absolutely ridiculous at that moment. His makeup with smeared, his corset was untied and showing his bare chest, he was wearing a dress with frills, and he had his hair up in pigtails.

Kisame's jaw dropped comically. "Um…Itachi-san…"

Itachi glared at him. He was angry. Hidan and Deidara had abandoned him. Granted, they didn't feel like displaying their affections for each other in front of others, but still. They could have _warned_ him or something. "Am I not allowed to my own…fantasies?" He winced. This was NOT his fantasy.

Kisame's lips turned up into a toothy grin. "No, you're allowed your fantasies. I just didn't know you…went for the gothic Lolita look."

Itachi vowed at that moment to add Kisame to his mental hit list. Hidan and Deidara were first in line.

"Nice legs by the way."

Scratch that. All _three _of them were tied for first.

_Hidan and Deidara are __**dead**_.

* * *

_**Author's note: **Bwahahahaha! Poor Ita-kun...actually, poor Deidara and Hidan. I feel compelled to draw Itachi in a gothic Lolita outfit now..._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's note: **__So here's the second chapter. I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Cape Cod and I won't be back until Friday...so I decided to post this chapter today. Anyway, I wasn't sure what Itachi's revenge would be and suddenly this idea came to me and I just kinda laughed like a maniac for awhile. I'm so cruel to Hidan and Deidara. Oh yeah, and I'm not trying to diss HidanKakuzu and DeiTobi. I love those couples as well, but well, in this fic Dei-Dei and Hidan don't like it. And I think I scared myself with Deidara's…well, you'll see. Hidan has such a potty mouth here also, but that's to be expected. :P_

_**Disclaimer: **__If I owned Naruto, the Akatsuki would be one big orgy organization :)_

* * *

_Never Mess With An Uchiha_

* * *

Itachi knew what he had to do. It would be torturous, but he didn't care. Hidan and Deidara deserved every bit of torture for leaving him partially dressed in a gothic Lolita outfit. They hadn't even had sex!

He found Deidara in his room, creating another clay masterpiece. He didn't even knock. He strode forward, activating his Sharingan and came up behind the blonde. "What is it, un?" Deidara asked without turning around.

"I want to show you something," Itachi replied.

Deidara turned to look at him, and in an instant he was transported to a strange world. He glanced around, calling Itachi's name. "Where the hell am I, un?" he called.

"Deidara-senpaaaaaai!" a high-pitched voice cried.

"What? Tobi, what the hell are you doing here?"

The masked man ran towards him. "I'm ready, senpai!"

"Ready?"

"For our date!"

Deidara's eyes widened. "DATE?!"

Tobi giggled. "Senpai, can I kiss you?"

"WHA—NO!!!"

He whimpered. "Please, senpai? I know we'll be doing much more later, but I just wanted a quick kiss before our date."

Deidara's mouth dropped open. "Who said we were doing stuff later?!"

Tobi cocked his head to the side. "Does that mean you wanna do stuff now?"

"NO!"

_Okay, this is just a dream, _Deidara thought. _I gotta stay calm. Tobi is not my date and I will NOT kiss him. _Suddenly, the scenery changed and Deidara found himself in a bedroom. "Now where am I?"

"Senpai, you look flustered." He turned around and saw Tobi lying on the bed. The masked man stood up and felt Deidara's forehead. "You're warm. Are you sick, senpai?"

"I—I don't know."

"Here, sit down." Deidara sat beside his partner, still in shock. Was this a dream? Or was this real? No…it couldn't be real. But you weren't supposed to be able to feel your dreams, right? Tobi's hand had felt very real. Tobi wrapped his arms around the blonde. "I hate seeing you so sad, Deidara-senpai. Want me to kiss you?"

"I…Wait. WHAT?!"

"You always like it when I kiss you, senpai. You say it makes you feel better."

"Well I was lying!"

Even though he was wearing a mask, Tobi looked heartbroken. Deidara normally wouldn't feel sorry for insulting him. But the sniffling behind the mask was starting to become annoying and he sighed heavily. "Tobi…fine…one kiss." He could not believe he was doing this. He loved Itachi and Hidan! Or did he?

Tobi perked up and prepared to take off his mask. "You should close your eyes, senpai."

"Why?"

"I don't want you to see my face."

"…fine."

He closed his eyes and felt Tobi's arms come around him and pull him closer. He felt his lips on his and for a moment, Deidara forgot he was kissing a dream-Tobi. He opened his eye a bit and felt the color drain out of his face. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"What?" Tobi—or who he thought was Tobi—asked.

"Y-You're Sasori no danna's _grandmother_!!!!!"

Itachi smirked as Deidara's screams echoed around the room. Now for Hidan. He didn't have to go looking for him, because Hidan came running into Deidara's room, hearing the screams.

"What the fuck is going on?!" he snarled. Then he made the mistake of looking directly into Itachi's eyes and felt himself fade into unconsciousness. When Hidan woke up, he was in his room. He blinked a few times. As he sat up on his bed, he noticed his rosary wasn't around his neck. Panicking, he stood up and started searching everywhere in the room. "Dammit! Where the fuck is it?!"

There was a knock on his door. Kakuzu walked in, raising an eyebrow at his partner. "Lose something?"

"Yeah, my rosary," Hidan replied. He suddenly stopped and turned to glare at him. "_You_ don't know where it is, _do_ you?"

Kakuzu seemed to smirk. "Maybe."

"Kakuzu, you ass-fucker, give it back!"

"No."

"What do you mean 'no?!'"

"I _mean_ just what I say, Hidan. No."

Hidan's face turned red in anger. "You greedy, money whore! Give me my goddamn rosary!"

"Say please."

"FUCK NO! HAND IT OVER!"

"I sold it."

"You…WHAT??!!"

"Turns out cheap shit like that rosary actually go for quite a bit of money."

Hidan screamed and lunged at his partner. "YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! GET IT BACK!!"

"Why should I?" Kakuzu sneered. "I can already tell tonight is going to be fun."

Hidan backed away, arching an eyebrow. "Say what?"

Kakuzu removed his mask and set it down on his dresser. "You like it rough, right?"

"I…huh?"

Kakuzu then removed his headband, letting his dark hair out. He walked closer to the religious man and backed him up against the wall. "So…you want me to go first or you?"

"Kakuzu, dude, what the hell are you doing?"

"You really are a brainless idiot, aren't you?"

"Hey!"

"Shut up." Hidan's eyes widened when Kakuzu pressed his mouth to his. He pushed him away, eyes wide.

"Kakuzu, seriously, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Kissing you, idiot. Or are you so dense you can't figure it out?"

"…WHY are you kissing me?"

Kakuzu stared at him. "I sincerely hope you're just acting like an idiot. If you really are this stupid, we may have to do something about this relationship."

"What relationship? Seriously, you're fuckin' scaring me."

Kakuzu moved closer and let one of his tentacles extend from his mouth to brush against Hidan's pale cheek. "Isn't it obvious?" Hidan felt the color drain from his face.

"Fuck no," he whispered.

Kakuzu smirked. "You're kind of cute when you're scared, Hidan."

"FUCK NO!!!!! I WANT OUT OF THIS FUCKING DREAM!!!"

Itachi watched as Hidan fell back against the floor, screaming and moaning pitifully. The Uchiha grinned and walked out of the room. Deidara and Hidan wouldn't be awake for another hour or so.

* * *

When Deidara awoke, he sat bolt up-right on his bed. His eyes were wide. Tobi was nowhere to be seen and for some reason, Hidan was lying beside him. The blonde blinked his eyes a few times. He then shook Hidan awake. He swore under his breath before opening one of his eyes.

"What the fuck…?"

"Hi-chan," Deidara whimpered.

"What happened?"

"I had a bad dream; a _really _bad dream."

Hidan sat up. "It probably wasn't as fucked up as my dream."

"Oh yeah? For some reason Tobi was my lover and then when he took off his mask to kiss me he was Sasori no danna's _grandmother,_ un!"

Hidan made a face. "That _is_ fucked up. But wait 'til you hear mine. Kakuzu was like my bitch or something. Or I was his bitch. Either way it was fucking scary as all hell. AND he sold my rosary for money."

Deidara pat his back. "I've never been so scared in my entire life."

"Yeah. I think I'm like…mentally scarred now."

"I'm glad to hear it," Itachi's soft voice came from the doorway. Both looked up.

"What do you mean you're glad?" Hidan snarled.

"Itachi…you didn't cast a genjutsu on us, did you, un?" Deidara asked, lower lip quivering.

"It was payback," he answered.

"Fuck you, red-eye," Hidan spat. "Seriously, FUCK. YOU."

Itachi smirked. "You both left me alone in my room still dressed in that Lolita outfit for Kisame to see. You deserved some sort of humiliation in return."

"B-But…Tobi as Sasori's grandmother???!!" Deidara cried. "That's just sick and wrong, un!"

"Perhaps. But it was amusing to see your reactions."

"You're a fucking sadist," Hidan said angrily. "Making me Kakuzu's dream-bitch and making him sell my rosary."

Itachi sat beside them on the bed. "Did you both learn anything from this?"

"Yeah, I learned that Kakuzu has tentacles in places I NEVER want to see again," Hidan said with a shudder.

"I _meant_, did you learn a lesson from this?"

"Shit, are you serious? After being mind-fucked by your genjutsu you actually expect us to come away with a stupid life-lesson?"

"Apparently that's too much to ask of you two," Itachi mumbled.

Deidara hugged the Uchiha suddenly. "I'm sorry, Itachi. We won't ever leave you alone in a Lolita outfit again, un. Just promise us you won't _ever_ use that genjutsu again."

Itachi rolled his eyes. "I promise. And you are forgiven."

"You guys are such fucking pansies," Hidan growled. Itachi glared at him. "What? So…can we fuck now?"

"What a way to ruin the moment, Hidan," Deidara sneered.

"Don't start with me. I had fuckin' tentacle sex with Kakuzu in that fucking genjutsu. I _need_ you guys to take that mental image away, seriously."

Itachi couldn't stop the smirk from forming on his lips. Yep, revenge was sweet.

* * *

_**Author's note: **So I hope you liked this small ficlet. I have ideas for a few more fics involving these guys, one in particular I think could turn into a several chapter story :) So...because I can't bring my PC with me on vacation, I won't be able to reply to anyone if they PM or something. But by all means, review and PM me if you want. I'll answer stuff when I return this Friday. Thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot. When my readers are happy, I'm happy and when I'm happy, I write fanfics :P 'Til next time! _


End file.
